Anti-Blackness amongst Black men

This post is about black men. It pains me that many of our black brothers have a deep hatred for each other and continue to kill each other, especially the young generation. We are all aware of the knife crime issue within the black community in the UK. There is also the gun crime issue in the USA. I do not believe in the term "black on black crime" because when white people commit crimes against  other white people it is not called "white on white crime", it's just crime. Further, crime is about proximity, you are more likely to be a victim of a crime of someone in your proximity. However, the rate that black men kill each other is higher than that of white men that kill each other. There is a real issue within these black communtities.

I remember watching one of Nipsey Hussle's interviews and he spoke about how gang members find an "opp" to kill. They will go to a rival gangs neighbourhood, if they see a man in a suit they will ignore him, if they see a white man they will ignore him. But if they see a black man who dresses the way they do, has the same kind of demeanour they have then that's the person they will attack. Nipsey then mentions the next point which I thought was really deep. He said by doing this, you are killing someone who is a reflection of you in a different neighbourhood, you are basically killing yourself. This is a deep level of self hatred.

The fact that as a black male you can see a fellow black brother you don't know, who looks just like you, but have so much hatred towards him that you wish to cause him harm, is very sad. The question I have is why are there black men like this? where does this mindset stem from? Some people say it's due to white supremacy, poverty, broken homes, drugs, music, culture. Personally, I don't believe in this modern age that white supremacy is the reason black men kill other black men, there needs to be a level of accountability.  I'm sure most people know that murder is wrong. Poverty may be a possible contributing factor however in "third world" countries, where there is extreme poverty, people do not murder each other at a high rate. I do think culture plays a big role, within black western communities there is a sub-culture which embraces degenerate behaviours such as criminality, gun crime, gang life, broken homes, and hyper-consumerism. These behaviours are also glorified through music (usually rap/drill). "Catching bodies" is cool, having multiple "baby mamas" is cool, going to jail is cool. Due to living in a very consumer based society, jealousy and envy is real, people want what others have and will kill in order to obtain it. These are the detrimental behaviours that are destroying our communities. There is complete disregard for human life. Black conservatives tend to call out these behaviours, but are  often called coons as a result. I remember hearing UK rapper Akala saying that if a white person wrote the lyrics that you see in some rap songs it will sound like they are KKK members, which is true.

Being a rapper is dangerous, over the years we have seen multiple rappers murdered. The most recent was Takeoff from the Migos, he was reserved and unproblematic. He was apparently killed by a stray bullet after a game of dice. PNB Rock was killed a couple of months ago. I had never heard of him until he died, I checked out his music and his content does not promote negativity. Let's not forget Nipsey Hussle, a man who tried to educate and uplift his community. In the UK, there have been drill rappers that have been murdered. I don't see any other genre of music where people are killed at this rate. When you kill somebody, it is just not just the victim who suffers. It is their family, their friends and  their wider community. When a white person kills a black person, black people will galvanise together, we'll protest, we'll see BLM. When a black person kill another black person it is crickets. If all Black lives matter then action needs to be taken when a black person is killed regardless of the race of the murderer. 

So what is the solution? I personally believe that it starts with having stronger family units and communities. We need strong black men in the homes to guide, teach and discipline their sons. It takes a village to raise a child, when a child starts to misbehave there needs to be someone who corrects them and nips their behaviour in the bud before it gets out of hand. I believe we also need to go back to God, (regardless of your faith) and in-still morals in people. We need to have self-love and see ourselves as the powerful entities that we are, we need to know our history and identity. It is also important that we know how to resolve conflicts without resorting to violence, and to hold each other accountable. I wish that negative black music would be banned, but it won't happen as it makes a lot of money for the record labels (which Kanye rightly called out in his drink champs interview). R.I.P to those black men who have lost their lives at the hands of other black men.

White lives Matter?

When I first saw this image on social media, I believed that Candace Owens and Kanye West were trolling and did it for attention and marketing purposes.  I did not get upset when I saw the image but I did wonder to myself how they were going to justify this stunt. Their plan worked as everyone was talking about it on social media and the pair received major backlash. Black outrage is a marketing tool used by some organisations, who purposefully do something racist that will anger black people in order to get a reaction. At the end of the day bad publicity is still publicity. 

Kanye West is no stranger to controversy, he is the same guy that goes on rants and has previously said “slavery was a choice”. Candace Owens is no stranger to controversy either, she will speak her mind regardless of what other people think of her. Kanye and Candace are married to white people and have half white children, so of course White Lives Matter to them. Do I agree that white lives matter? Of course. Every human life matters. I do understand in this social context that “White Lives Matter’ is perceived as an attack on the “Black Lives Matter” movement which is about racial injustice and Police brutality against black people.  Hence, why I do think what they did was racially insensitive considering that in America, white lives have always mattered.

Kanye's justification for his actions is that Black Lives Matter is a scam. It was previously reported that the founder of BLM used $6m of donations to buy a mansion in an expensive predominately white area.  From the information I have seen about the organisation, I do believe it was a scam and they used the death of black people for profit. Family members of Breonna Taylor and Tamir Rice had stated that they received no help from BLM despite the faces of their dead loved ones being used by the organisation. However,  I do agree with the statement itself 'Black Lives Matter' because they do, and I did attend the George Floyd BLM protest in London in 2020 which was mainly peaceful.

Kanye West has said in an instagram post that his "T-shirt took all the attention". This is exactly what he wanted. It was Paris Fashion week and he was doing a show for his Yeezy brand. I don't think anyone can fully understand the mind of Kanye West. We are used to Kanye having outbursts and saying or doing things that don't make sense to the average person. I believe that the death of his mother, Donda is what caused his mental health issues and he has never been the same since.

I am a fan of Candace Owens and I do agree with a lot of things she says and she has opened my eyes to black conservatism. At the same time there are some things she says that I do wholeheartedly disagree with. She recently done a podcast called “White Lives Matter”, I watched it on YouTube to see her justification as to why her and Kanye wore the WLM  T-Shirt. In this Podcast episode she highlighted the hypocrisy of "Black Lives Matter" within the Black American community. She started off by discussing the high abortion rate within the  black American community and how in New York more black babies were aborted than were born. She also talked about black criminality and that black men make up about 7% of the American population but 40% of all homicides. Further, black people kill other black people at exponentially high rates and there is no outrage at all  about that and instead it is glorified in music. She highlighted that in 2020  there were only about 9 black people killed by Police. If these figures are accurate, she has a point as abortions and black on black murders are bigger killers in the black communities which  people don't seem as bothered about. Others will argue that when black men commit murder they are dealt with by the Law whereas police officers are more likely to get away with killing black victims, which is also true. Candace also raised that obesity is the number 1 killer in America and that black women have the highest rate of obesity than any other group at 56.9%. She also talked about father absence and the education system.

After watching her video I agree with what she had said. These are issues in the black American community that needs to be addressed and dealt with if people genuinely do care about black lives. Candace has alway spoken out against the negative side of black American culture, and holds black people accountable. There are a lot of black people that dislike her, but if you listen to her carefully a lot of what she says makes sense as she comes from a place of looking at facts and statistics as oppose to talking out of emotion. I personally believe that, if black lives matter then ALL black lives should matter, not just when a white Police officer kills a black person. 

The Hustle Culture

 "Hustle, hustle, hustle, hard" this is the chorus from Ace Hood's tune "Hustle hard". This will set the tone of this blog post. In western society there is a toxic hustle culture which I have noticed emerge over the last few years where they push the notion that people need to be working 24/7. There are people who shame 9-5ers and push the narrative that they must  have multiple side-hustles on top of their job. There are motivational speakers who have negatively contributed to this culture. A phrase I have heard is "I'll sleep when I'm dead" or something along the lines of "while you are all sleeping I am up working" or "I'm always grinding".  I understand that it is very important to have a strong work ethic, especially if you are trying to achieve particular goals. However, I do not believe you have to be working crazy hours to the detriment of your own health.

I have unfortunately done this. All my life I was taught to work hard so that I can be successful, and that is exactly what I did. I worked hard wherever I was employed despite being underpaid for the level of work I was doing. I've worked very long hours consistently and all it did was burn me out and make me depressed. Many of us will work the hell out of ourselves for a company that can easily replace us. Work-life balance is important, just working without the balance is not good for us as we are not machines and our bodies need rest!.

I used to believe in this hustle culture, to the extent that if I had a day off and I didn't do anything productive that day I would feel guilty. I would question myself as to why I didn't read a book, exercise, or do research etc. I would feel as though I had wasted time that I could not get back.  This was a toxic mindset I had. Having an unproductive day is needed where you take a break from life. There is nothing wrong in having a day where you stay in bed all day, or binge watch a Netflix series while eating junk food, or watch TV all day. These are rest days which are necessary, our bodies need rest to recuperate. Now I do not feel bad for having a  lazy day, I know I've worked hard and been productive during the week so I deserve a rest day. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing yourself.  You are not supposed to be productive 24/7, even God rested on the 7th day.

I remember speaking to a nurse who worked in a hospice with terminally ill patients. She had told me that many of the patients  used to say they wished they had spent more time with their families and loved ones. No one had ever said they wished they worked more while on their death bed. When someone dies you realise what's actually important in life e.g. family, friends, happiness, love, peace etc.

In the West there is this very fast-paced culture and always being on the go. This creates stress which can have a negative impact on your mental and physical health. I see this a lot especially living in London. No wonder Londoners always look depressed when you see them on the trains going to work in the morning. When I last visited Ghana it was a much more slow paced environment. I noticed that people in Ghana seemed less stressed compared to those in London despite having a lower standard of living. I feel that in this type of slow paced environment people actually value and enjoy their life more and do what makes them happy. When I'm in London I feel more stressed and anxious but when I'm in Ghana I feel more at peace. I've noticed people from other parts of Africa, the Caribbean and Asia who have said the same thing about when they travel back to their home countries. 

I remember a time when I used to hear about rich men in developed countries committing suicide. I never understood this at the time because they literally had everything money could buy.  I realised as I got older that they are missing the important things in their life. If there is no love, peace, good relationships/support in your life no amount of  money will fill these voids. This is why you can go to a rural village in a developing country and see poor children playing in dirt and they are very happy .  The western world has a culture which focuses on the accumulation of wealth, consumerism and materialism as the key happiness.  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be able to have things, but that is not the be all and end all. We need to also value the important things in life. The pandemic forced people (especially in the west) to slow down their busy lifestyles, be still and to have time to think about what is actually important in their lives.

I am not against making money, working hard and hustling. I believe there needs to be a balance. Work hard, rest, spend time with loved ones and do things you actually enjoy. To me that is the key to having a fulfilled life.

The toxic side of African parenting

I grew up in a west African household in the UK. I am glad I was as it taught me morals, values, the importance of working hard, to aim high, to respect my elders, discipline, the importance of family and community. These have greatly shaped the woman I have become .

As much as there are many great factors of growing up in such a household there is a toxic side which needs to be addressed, and I'm sure many people who grew up in African households would have most likely experienced these things

1. Comparison

One thing African parents will do, is always compare you with someone else. I am sure many of you may be familiar with the phrase "look at your age mate". African parents always remind us that there is someone they know who is in our age group, that is doing better than us. There is always that "golden child" that parents like to compare us to and ask us why we can't be more like them (in most cases the golden child is actually far from golden). This is very damaging because if you are constantly being compared to others you will feel like you are inadequate and not good enough. This can damage your self-esteem and you will not find worth and value in yourself.

2. Disrespectful elders

I believe that we should respect our elders, however some of these elders take advantage of this concept. Some elders are disrespectful because they know that we cannot answer back (because if we did we will automatically look like the bad person). Some like to give their unwarranted opinions about your life when it doesn't even concern them (they love staying in other people's business). They can say rude things to you and will not consider how their words can negatively impact you. Some elders will talk down to you and and will even treat you like you're their servant. Some would like you to worship the ground they walk on. They never believe that they can be wrong and will never take accountability for their behaviour. One thing I dislike is that they will not consider your opinions as valid because of your age.

This is a very toxic trait. Age doesn't mean you are wise, mature or that you can never be wrong. You can learn from people much younger than you. Young people's opinion are equally valid. There needs to be a serious mindset change with these "elders".

3. Discipline

One thing I dislike about African parenting, is when they automatically resort to hitting their children when they do something wrong as a form of discipline. They never sit down with the child and explain why their behaviour is wrong, so that the child can understand. I've heard some men  say that they were beaten so much as a child that they eventually became desensitised to it. There are some African children who literally have a deep hatred for their parents because of the way they were disciplined. There are people who grew up genuinely fearing their parents. Children should not have to be scared of their parents, yes they should respect them but they should also be comfortable being around them. I used to think that using, belts, wooden spoons, slippers/shoes or any implements to beat a child was normal. It was only when I got older I realised how detrimental and damaging it is. It is teaching children that violence is normal. I believe that some parents beat their children as a way of releasing their anger. I think that a lot of parents need to go to therapy to deal with their deep rooted issues. I am not against a little smack or other forms of discipline but abusing your child is wrong.

4. First born Daughters

I think first born daughters have it hard. We sometimes have to play the role of 2nd mothers and our upbringing tends to be harsher than that of our brothers. I had a harsher upbringing than my younger brother (we have a 3 year age gap). My mother was strict with me. I was expected to do more housework and domestic tasks growing up because of my gender whereas my brother didn't have do this. Even as teenagers my brother could be out late, and my mum wouldn't really say anything. If that was me she would be ringing off my phone asking me when I'm getting home. Even when it came to relationships in our latter teen years my mum did not like me having boyfriend, however if my brother brought a girl home it wasn't an issue.

The expectations of me were much higher and if I didn't meet them I was chastised. My brother had so much freedom to do what he pretty much what he wanted, but I could never even dream of this.

I've spoken to many females who have gone through the same thing, their mothers spoiling their brothers and allowing them to get away with anything but be super strict with their daughters. This is completely unfair and does have a negative impact on daughters. This is also the reason why you get boys who grow up to become entitled men as their mothers did everything for them, so when they get older they expect their partners to continue where their mother left off. Mother's need to stop babying their sons and stop being strict with their daughters. They need to keep the same energy with both genders.

5. Unrealistic expectations

I was taught the importance of education growing up. My dad always used to go on about how he walked 7 miles to school everyday and was always 1st in his class. This is something almost every African parent says (a lot of them must be lying because not everyone could have been first in their class). When I did my GCSE's I mainly got A*-B grades. I was ecstatic about my results and I showed my mother, she said I did well but then went on to say "only if your B grades were A grades" my happiness immediately left my body. I worked so hard and still I wasn't good enough. I remember in university studying law, and my uncle saying to me "it would have been better if you studied medicine instead" (meanwhile his son who was my age was out there committing crimes). It is only when I went to therapy I realised how these toxic experiences affected me. My therapist told me that I seek validation from others and I don't think I'm good enough despite all of my amazing achievements. I've heard similar stories from other people where family members do not support their dreams and ambitions. Other times when it comes to receiving test results and they get for example 8/10,  their parents are angry about why they didn't get the other 2 marks.

This is extremely toxic! African parents need to stop expecting perfection from their children, it is not realistic. Not everybody can be an A* or first class student. Some people are academic, others are practical. We all have our own unique gifts and abilities which should be nurtured. Not everybody is destined to be a Doctor, lawyer and accountant or have a masters and PhD. Don't get me wrong, education is very important but it is not the be all and end all. I have met uneducated people who managed to become wealthy. There are many highly educated Africans, but a lot of this does not even translate into wealth.

Overall I do think things are changing especially with the newer generation of African parents, so some toxic traits are decreasing. Just because some things are "tradition" or "culture" it doesn't mean we have to continue the cycle. If it is not beneficial we should let it go and take on new habits that will help us. I am no way an expert in parenting but I do believe we need to use discernment when raising children.