The toxic side of African parenting

I grew up in a west African household in the UK. I am glad I was as it taught me morals, values, the importance of working hard, to aim high, to respect my elders, discipline, the importance of family and community. These have greatly shaped the woman I have become .

As much as there are many great factors of growing up in such a household there is a toxic side which needs to be addressed, and I'm sure many people who grew up in African households would have most likely experienced these things

1. Comparison

One thing African parents will do, is always compare you with someone else. I am sure many of you may be familiar with the phrase "look at your age mate". African parents always remind us that there is someone they know who is in our age group, that is doing better than us. There is always that "golden child" that parents like to compare us to and ask us why we can't be more like them (in most cases the golden child is actually far from golden). This is very damaging because if you are constantly being compared to others you will feel like you are inadequate and not good enough. This can damage your self-esteem and you will not find worth and value in yourself.

2. Disrespectful elders

I believe that we should respect our elders, however some of these elders take advantage of this concept. Some elders are disrespectful because they know that we cannot answer back (because if we did we will automatically look like the bad person). Some like to give their unwarranted opinions about your life when it doesn't even concern them (they love staying in other people's business). They can say rude things to you and will not consider how their words can negatively impact you. Some elders will talk down to you and and will even treat you like you're their servant. Some would like you to worship the ground they walk on. They never believe that they can be wrong and will never take accountability for their behaviour. One thing I dislike is that they will not consider your opinions as valid because of your age.

This is a very toxic trait. Age doesn't mean you are wise, mature or that you can never be wrong. You can learn from people much younger than you. Young people's opinion are equally valid. There needs to be a serious mindset change with these "elders".

3. Discipline

One thing I dislike about African parenting, is when they automatically resort to hitting their children when they do something wrong as a form of discipline. They never sit down with the child and explain why their behaviour is wrong, so that the child can understand. I've heard some men  say that they were beaten so much as a child that they eventually became desensitised to it. There are some African children who literally have a deep hatred for their parents because of the way they were disciplined. There are people who grew up genuinely fearing their parents. Children should not have to be scared of their parents, yes they should respect them but they should also be comfortable being around them. I used to think that using, belts, wooden spoons, slippers/shoes or any implements to beat a child was normal. It was only when I got older I realised how detrimental and damaging it is. It is teaching children that violence is normal. I believe that some parents beat their children as a way of releasing their anger. I think that a lot of parents need to go to therapy to deal with their deep rooted issues. I am not against a little smack or other forms of discipline but abusing your child is wrong.

4. First born Daughters

I think first born daughters have it hard. We sometimes have to play the role of 2nd mothers and our upbringing tends to be harsher than that of our brothers. I had a harsher upbringing than my younger brother (we have a 3 year age gap). My mother was strict with me. I was expected to do more housework and domestic tasks growing up because of my gender whereas my brother didn't have do this. Even as teenagers my brother could be out late, and my mum wouldn't really say anything. If that was me she would be ringing off my phone asking me when I'm getting home. Even when it came to relationships in our latter teen years my mum did not like me having boyfriend, however if my brother brought a girl home it wasn't an issue.

The expectations of me were much higher and if I didn't meet them I was chastised. My brother had so much freedom to do what he pretty much what he wanted, but I could never even dream of this.

I've spoken to many females who have gone through the same thing, their mothers spoiling their brothers and allowing them to get away with anything but be super strict with their daughters. This is completely unfair and does have a negative impact on daughters. This is also the reason why you get boys who grow up to become entitled men as their mothers did everything for them, so when they get older they expect their partners to continue where their mother left off. Mother's need to stop babying their sons and stop being strict with their daughters. They need to keep the same energy with both genders.

5. Unrealistic expectations

I was taught the importance of education growing up. My dad always used to go on about how he walked 7 miles to school everyday and was always 1st in his class. This is something almost every African parent says (a lot of them must be lying because not everyone could have been first in their class). When I did my GCSE's I mainly got A*-B grades. I was ecstatic about my results and I showed my mother, she said I did well but then went on to say "only if your B grades were A grades" my happiness immediately left my body. I worked so hard and still I wasn't good enough. I remember in university studying law, and my uncle saying to me "it would have been better if you studied medicine instead" (meanwhile his son who was my age was out there committing crimes). It is only when I went to therapy I realised how these toxic experiences affected me. My therapist told me that I seek validation from others and I don't think I'm good enough despite all of my amazing achievements. I've heard similar stories from other people where family members do not support their dreams and ambitions. Other times when it comes to receiving test results and they get for example 8/10,  their parents are angry about why they didn't get the other 2 marks.

This is extremely toxic! African parents need to stop expecting perfection from their children, it is not realistic. Not everybody can be an A* or first class student. Some people are academic, others are practical. We all have our own unique gifts and abilities which should be nurtured. Not everybody is destined to be a Doctor, lawyer and accountant or have a masters and PhD. Don't get me wrong, education is very important but it is not the be all and end all. I have met uneducated people who managed to become wealthy. There are many highly educated Africans, but a lot of this does not even translate into wealth.

Overall I do think things are changing especially with the newer generation of African parents, so some toxic traits are decreasing. Just because some things are "tradition" or "culture" it doesn't mean we have to continue the cycle. If it is not beneficial we should let it go and take on new habits that will help us. I am no way an expert in parenting but I do believe we need to use discernment when raising children.

Kevin Samuels: The Good and the Bad

Mr Kevin Samuels! If you have not heard of him you must be living under a rock. I first heard of him last year after a video clip went viral where he told a woman that "she was average at best". My first impression of him was that he is extremely rude. Months later, I saw that he had a youtube channel and I decided to watch a few of his videos. His main audience tends to be African-Americans, though people worldwide and of different races do watch him too. I am going to discuss what I like and dislike about his videos.

A lot of women (predominantly black American) that call into his show say that they want a high value man (HVM). My understanding of  this is a man that is very wealthy. One thing Kevin always does is ask women what they're height, weight and dress size is. I noticed that many of these women that call in to the show tend to be overweight (e.g. a woman who is about 5'5 weighing 200lbs+). He gets onto them about this and stresses the importance of losing weight and becoming fit if they want to attract a HVM and I completely agree with him on this. He says HVM want fit, fine and feminine women. Let's be honest, men are visual creatures. I have never seen a very wealthy man with a fat/obese wife or girlfriend, they always go for slimmer women. According to the US department of health , 4 out of 5 African American women are overweight or obese. This is a health epidemic. Black people in both USA and UK  are more likely to be overweight/obese and are more likely to develop high blood pressure, heart disease and Type 2 diabetes than any other race. These are all illnesses developed due to lifestyle and diet. Some people are too lazy to take care of their health and want to blame other factors. People need to learn to take responsibility for their own bodies and make better decisions in regards to their health. That's why I support Kevin Samuels pushing health and fitness (especially because I'm into fitness myself) .

Another thing Kevin Samuels talks about is the importance of marriage, especially when having children, which I also agree with. If you look at wealthy communities the foundation of it is a strong family unit. Wealthy men get married because they know the importance of creating legacy and generational wealth. I remember having a discussion with an Asian work colleague. He said that strong family units are fundamental in his community, and that is how they pass on wealth. He said he notices that in the black community there are people who have many children with different people and he doesn't understand it because you cannot create generational wealth that way. I told him I completely agree. A few years ago Obama said that over 70% of African Americans are born outside of wedlock and he called out the black community on this, some of them got mad at him. The whole "baby mother/father" culture has become too normalised. Broken families lead to higher rates of poverty, crime, lower educational attainment plus much more. Many studies have been done on this. Kevin always asks mothers that call into the show whether they married the father of their child/ren, which most of them reply "no". He always asks them why they had a child with a man who did not marry them. He also holds men accountable for not being able to discipline themselves sexually and not being able to provide. He really pushes the traditional nuclear family which I agree with.

I do like that Kevin Samuels holds people accountable for their decisions and actions (he does this to both men and women).  I find that many grown adults make bad choices that lead to negative consequences but they will blame everyone else but themselves. They struggle with taking accountability for their own actions. I noticed that when Kevin questions people about their choices they come up with excuses. He also talks about having realistic expectations when looking for a partner. People  call in and say that they want a high standard man/woman meanwhile they themselves aren't of a high standard or don't bring anything to the table. However these high standard men/women they want would also have their own requirements of what they want in a partner. The question is would they meet those requirements?

There are views that Kevin Samuels has that I do find problematic. I do not like the rating system he uses. He asks women  “what would you rate yourself (facially) out of 10 but you can’t use 7”. Who is he to decide how attractive a woman is to others? Beauty is subjective and is influenced by media and culture, there is no universal beauty standard. There is so much pressure placed on woman to look a certain way, that’s why the majority of woman have insecurities.

Another view of his I disagree with is that he says women need to be married by their early to mid 20's and he speaks negatively about women who choose a career and/or are single over the age of 25 .  Women that are in their late twenties onwards are classed as being in the "Danger Zone".  I believe that a woman's worth and value should not be based on her relationship status, further our existence should not revolve around men (this should be a choice). Women should have autonomy to make their own decisions about their life and do what's best for them. He criticizes women that have professional careers, their own businesses or a masters/PHD. He says women can't have it all (career and family) but there are plenty of women that do. You can still be a feminine women with a career. As a career woman myself, when I do marry and have children, I am willing to take  a step back in my career to raise my children while they are young and do most of the domestic work while my husband provides financially. I can always go back to my career after, many women do this. Also I think Kevin's delivery can be too harsh at times, but I understand this is what gets him views. Though I do not agree with Kevin on everything he says, he does speak the truth at times and I do learn key points, plus his videos are very entertaining!