Pressures of Millennial women

Being a millennial  female, we have far more opportunities than the women that came before us. We  are allowed to be educated, we can have careers and make our own money, we can start our own businesses plus more. We have the choice to be independent if we want to. However, despite living in the 21st century, there are some people that only find value and worth in a woman if she is married and/or is a mother. It seems that if you are not a wife and mother in your 20s/30s and beyond, there is something wrong with you. You can be an ambitious  woman  who works hard and achieves a masters, PhD, OBE or a nobel peace prize etc but if you are not married and don't have a child then all of your accolades seem redundant.

This is something which really annoys me. I hate the fact that some portion of society defines a woman's worth and value by her relationship status and whether she is a mother. We have to understand that in previous generations, women were not educated at a high level or allowed to work to make their own money. Therefore, the only option for women was to be a wife then have children.  That is why it was the norm for women back then to to be married by 18 and have multiple children and be housewives as there was a lack of options.

As you are aware times have dramatically changed. Therefore, we can't expect the women of today to be like the women of the past. The average age of becoming a wife and mother has increased. This is due to women establishing their careers and wanting to achieve their goals prior to marrying or having children. There is nothing wrong with this. I think it is important as women to work and build on yourself,  find your own identity, have life experiences, make mistakes and grow. You are your OWN  person. 50% of your mother's  DNA and 50% of your father's DNA made you, according to maths 50%+50% = 100%. Therefore you are already a whole person. You are not 50%, therefore you do not need someone to complete your existence.

People that don't know how to mind their business like asking the following questions:

Why are you single?
You then get yourself a partner then they ask: When are you getting married?
You get married then they ask: When are you having children?
You have a child then they ask: When are you going to have another child?

Some people are never satisfied, they always have something to say about your life. In my opinion I think these questions are insensitive. A women may be single because she finally got the courage to leave a toxic/abusive relationship and needs time to heal. She maybe also be single because  she wants to focus on accomplishing her goals. A woman may not be married because she hasn't found the right person, or she is not ready for marriage, or she just doesn't want to marry. A woman may not have a child because she is having difficulty conceiving and may have had a miscarriage. You never know what someone is going through behind closed doors, or the silent battles they are dealing with. Asking the above questions to a woman may trigger a lot of hurt and negative emotions.

We need to stop approaching unmarried women in their 20s/30s and putting pressure on them to marry and/or have children. I believe that all things will happen in God's timing, so do not rush the process. If you rush to get married you may end up settling with the wrong person. This would lead to divorce, which is a long, expensive and emotionally draining procedure (especially if it's contested). Having children is a lifelong commitment, when you are up at 2am  tending to your baby who won’t stop crying, those people who put pressure on you won’t be there. Learn to live your life for yourself. If you do not want to marry or have children, then that is perfectly fine! I used to allow pressure from people get to me which made be feel down. I then made a decision to put myself first and I am a much happier person because of it. Remember you are unique and amazing by yourself, you do not need a man or a child to define you!

When They see us

Like many people, I watched the miniseries on Netflix “When they see us” which is based Central Park 5 case. Prior to this mini series ,I had heard about the case but wasn’t aware of the details. All I knew was that 5 black teenagers were falsely accused of raping a jogger in Central Park, and years later the real rapist came out, and they were subsequently exonerated.

I decided to watch the series. It was very difficult to watch, especially the last episode. There were 6 victims in this series and a number of perpetrators. The victims were the jogger and the 5 innocent boys who were wrongly convicted. There were a number of perpetrators including the prosecutors, the detectives, the police, the prison guards, as well as the rapist. There were consistent blunders from the beginning until the end of this criminal justice process. The first huge blunder was the coercion and coaching of the young boys without their parents or legal counsel present (especially for a rape charge!). In the UK it is compulsory that minors have an appropriate adult when being questioned by the police. I’m assuming it is the same in the states. Everyone has the right to a lawyer to obtain legal advice, as the boys had no prior contact with the police or criminal justice system, they had no knowledge of the processes, and if a lawyer was allowed to be present , they could have been advised accordingly . I urge people, especially young black man to research your legal rights, as authorities will take advantage of those who don't know their rights,. Another blunder is the Police using physical force against the boys to make them give false confessions while denying them food, water and toilet breaks.

Further, the media released the images, names and addresses of these young boys. Usually, when minors are involved in a criminal investigation, the media cannot publish their identities. However, the media painted these innocent boys in a horrible light and conveyed a false narrative of them being a "wolf-pack". It is sad that Donald Trump paid $85,000 for an advert requesting for the death penalty against these boys, and he is now the President of the United States.

The criminal justice system is based on the premise that you are “innocent until proven guilty”. However, if you are a young black/Latino man it becomes you are “guilty until proven innocent”. These boys were treated like criminals without any evidence linking them to the crime. 

The DNA found on the scene did not match any of the boys, their coerced stories did not match, the timelines did not match, the victims blood was not found on any of them, none of the boys even knew each other apart from 2 of them. From a legal standpoint, this was a very weak case. Some of those involved in bringing the case had doubts. However, the boys were still prosecuted thanks to Linda Fairstein. What shocked me was that the jurors who were ethnically diverse (including 4 black jurors) had found the boys guilty.

The story that hurt me the most was that of Korey Wise. He had a learning disability, speech impediment and was illiterate. Despite being the oldest of the boys, he was the most vulnerable. Due to him being aged 16, he was tried and sentenced as an adult (I find this extremely disturbing) . He served the longest prison sentence despite not being on the original list of suspects. All he did was be a good friend to Yusef Salaam and accompany him to the police station. He never knew that this small decision will change the course of his life forever. Watching Korey being repeatedly abused in prison was very difficult to watch, he kept being sent to prisons which were far away so it was difficult for his mother to visit him. His abuse was so bad that he had to be in solitary confinement for his safety. He was all alone with no one to help him except for that one prison guard at one particular prison. He can never fully recover from the severe trauma that he has been through, it has damaged him. No amount of money (even the low $41m) can compensate for the pain and suffering that these boys went through.

The criminal justice system had failed them: the authorities had failed them, the police had failed them, the prison guards had failed them, the jury had failed them, the detectives had failed them, the Prosecutors had failed them.The miscarriage of justice that these boys had faced was abysmal. The sad thing is that the rapist, Matias Reyes was a serial rapist, and he had raped a woman just two days prior to the rape of Trisha Meili at Central Park. The Police had his name. In the following months he raped more women including one pregnant woman which he murdered. His DNA was taken and he was charged and sentenced for multiple rapes. However, the police did not carry out their due diligence to realise that Matias was the central park rapist even though he was a known rapist to the police. If the police carried out proper investigations, that pregnant woman who was murdered, would have been alive today and those innocent boys would not have been suspects in the first place.

I wonder how many innocent black men are in prison for crimes they have not committed. I also wonder how many innocent black men have received the death penalty. The media criminalises black men and coveys the narrative that black men are dangerous and are criminal by nature. This creates fear within people, who actually become scared of black men. Black men are not humanised but are demonised. I commend Ava DuVernay for humanising these victims and portraying their stories of what they had went through.

To Korey Wise, to Yusef Salaam, to Kevin Richardson, to Raymond Santana, to Antron McCray, you did not deserve the pain that this world gave to you, you did not deserve to be hated by the world at such a young age, you did not deserve to have your lives robbed from you, you did not deserve to be victims of a racist society. However, through your pain and all the tears you have cried you have shown strength, you have shown resilience, you have shown perseverance. You have not allowed the evil in this world to turn you into monsters. You grew to become good men, who continue to fight for justice for those innocent men who have suffered miscarriage of justices. I just want you to know that you are loved by the world and we support you 100%.

Rape Culture

Male and female. The two sexes. Depending on which sex you were born as, it can dictate the course of your life. It can affect the opportunities that would be open to you, it can affect the money you can earn, it can affect whether you are likely to become a victim of sexual assault. It will determine how the world will view and treat you.

Most of us can agree that the majority of the societies in this world are patriarchal, therefore if you are born a male, you have automatic male privileges. Men hold the positions of power in society and have control over most of the world. This includes control over decisions that affect women.

A lot of negative sexist  ideologies have been taught about females in society. We are told that women are the "weaker" sex, we are told that women are inferior to men,  we are told that women are "too emotional" to make decisions therefore they cannot lead. Some sections of the media promotes the idea that women are sexual objects. Society perpetuates  misogynistic narratives towards women.  This includes blaming women for the behaviours of men.

I am going to look at this in context of rape and sexual assault. Rape culture is a culture where social attitudes normalise sexual abuse and blame the victims for their assaults.

The legal definitions  (in the UK) for Rape and Sexual Assault are found in the Sexual Offences Act 2003 as follows:

Section 1 - Rape 

(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—

(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,

(b) B does not consent to the penetration, and

(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.

Section 3 - Sexual Assault 

(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—

(a) he intentionally touches another person (B),

(b) the touching is sexual,

(c) B does not consent to the touching, and

(d) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
I am sure you are all aware of the #MeToo Movement, which was birthed out of women who were victims of sexual abuse. This movement became viral in 2017 and has helped to give a voice to women who have been victims of sexual abuse and to call out the male perpetrators. We have heard about Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R Kelly etc famous men who have been accused by numerous women for sexual abuse. There is also the SlutWalk movement which was popularised by Amber Rose which aims to end rape culture. This movement was started when a female was raped in Canada, and when she had reported this to the Police, she was told that she should have dressed differently to avoid being raped.

The issue in this society is that there is a victim blaming culture where women are blamed for men sexually abusing and raping them. Some women are told that they were raped because of how they dressed, or because they were drunk, or for being alone with a man at night. Some female victims internalise this and believe that it is their fault that they were raped/abused. However, instead of blaming the man who should be taught NOT to rape or abuse women, we instead tell females "do not do X so you won't get raped". Don't get me wrong, as women we do need to take precautions as there are a lot of crazy people out there. However, despite the situation a woman may find herself in, it doesn't justify her being raped/sexually abused.


It all starts with how males are socialised in terms of their views towards females and sex. Many males, especially in their younger years are conditioned to see sex as a sport rather than an act of intimacy. They are encouraged by their peers (and sometimes older males) to lose their virginity at a young age and to sleep with as many females as they possibly can because it makes them a "man". Males are celebrated for having numerous sexual partners, therefore some males do this so that they can brag to their friends. This is a big problem right here, because there are males who will go to great lengths just to sleep with a female. There are males who purposely prey on vulnerable females, there are males who manipulate and pressure females into sleeping with them and say things like "if you love me you will have sex with me". If you are a female and a male says this to you RUN!. There are males who only view women for their sexual pleasure , and once they get what they want they will dispose of her like a toy. These type of men have no regard for female's feelings.


There are some males who feel that they are entitled to a woman's body. Males who think like this are dangerous. They think it is ok to touch a woman inappropriately, (i.e. Donald Trump who talks about grabbing women by the pussy"). This is sexual assault and is VERY common. I am sure that the majority of females have been victims of sexual assault at least once in their life. I have on multiple occasions and I've also witnessed it happen to other females. Whether it is a man touching your bum, or rubbing his hands on your thigh, or trying to touch you up, it is all Sexual Assault. I've realised when confronting these perpetrators they act like they have done nothing wrong and do not see what is wrong with their behaviour.


Some men feel so entitled to women that when a women rejects their sexual advances, they are quick to insult her or even physically harm her. The worst case I heard was in America when a young woman was shot and killed by a man because she had rejected his advances at a club. It is scary being a female as there are many scary situations you have to deal with. This includes dealing with harassment from men, this includes men following you in their car while you are walking alone, this includes walking pass a group of men who then shout out sexual comments towards you. I remember walking home one evening alone, and a man came up to talk to me, I made it clear that I wasn't interested and he said he won't leave me alone until I gave him my number, which I refused to do. He was following me very closely, I was scared. Luckily, as I was nearing my house he finally left. It is sad that being born a female exposes you to such scary and potentially dangerous situations.

There are men who cannot control their sexual desires and urges and even go to the lengths of raping women to fulfil these desires. Rapists do not care about how their actions will affect the victim. Rape is a selfish act because all the rapist cares about is having his sexual needs gratified. He doesn't care about how this evil act will traumatise the victim or how it will scar the victim for the rest of their life. The sad thing is when women do speak about rape and sexual abuse, there are people who are quick to say they are lying and discredit them, especially when it comes to men with high social status. Though there are some women who do lie, this is only a minority. What surprises me is when there are numerous women who come out to say they have been sexually abused by the same man, and people still discredit them. People need to remember that there is no smoke without fire. However, if two men came out to say a particular woman is a hoe, men will be quick to believe this and not question it.

Boys need to be taught from young that girls are humans too, that need to be respected. Boys need to be taught that girls are not sexual objects to be used just for their sexual gratification. Boys need to learn to control their sexual desires. Boys should be taught the importance of CONSENT, and if a female doesn't give their consent or says no, then they should not proceed. If boys are taught these things from young, they will grow to become better men and this can potentially reduce the number of rapes/sexual assaults. Men also need to hold each other accountable, if you see your male friend acting inappropriately towards females without their consent, let them know that their behaviour is not ok. Do not encourage their negative behaviour. Rape is a male problem, therefore it is the responsibility of men to take active steps to deal with this epidemic.

Mental Health

My introduction to mental health was about a decade ago, when I studied psychology at A-level. I remember learning about different mental health disorders and developing an interest in this subject.  Mental health is still a stigma within the black community, and  it is not openly discussed. In African communities, especially the older generation,  some believe that the answer to mental health  issues is to "pray" for it to go away, instead of actually addressing the issue. There is also the belief that black people are "strong" therefore we do not really suffer from mental health issues. A lot of times, mental health is viewed as a "white people" issue.  However, there are many black people who do suffer from mental health issues, but find it hard to speak to someone about what they are going through,  or to seek help because of how they may be perceived or judged.

This leads people to suffer in silence, which is dangerous. I hear of people committing suicide and those close to them will say things like "S/he seemed fine, I didn't know there was something wrong" "why didn't they say anything".  As human beings, we are very good at putting on masks and hiding what is going on inside of us.  Someone may be smiling on the outside but suffering  on the inside. Despite what you see, you never know what is truly going on in someone's life. That is why I believe it is very important to check up on the people you care about, to see how they really are, even if they appear to 'have everything together'. You never know, you could potentially save a life.

It is not easy to tell someone that you are suffering from mental health issues or to discuss what you are going through. That is why I believe it is very important for everyone to have a support network around them of people they can trust and talk to. This could be your friends, your family or even a therapist/counsellor. If you are going through difficulties in your life, please talk to someone about it and do not suffer alone.

Mental health can affect all types of people regardless of race, gender and class. More recently there has been more conversations about mental health. There are celebrities who openly discuss their battle with mental health. I believe this is a positive thing as mental health awareness is very important. Depression and anxiety are the most common forms of mental illnesses. In 2017, a third of sick notes written by GP's were for mental health reasons.

I believe mental illness are becoming more common due to changes in society. With the rise of social media we base our value and worth in what social media tells us. e.g. that we must look a particular way, we must earn a certain amount of money, we must live a particular lifestyle. Further, with the young generation, they get their validation from the amount of likes and social media followers they have. A study was done which showed that dopamine (which makes us feel good) is released in the brain when someone receives a like, therefore making us crave more likes etc. This is detrimental to our mental health. There is also societal pressure  to achieve certain milestones by certain ages, i.g. marriage, having children, having your own place or to obtain society's definition of "success". When we do not match up to these standards, we feel inadequate which can lead to low self esteem, low confidence and depression. A lot of mental health issues are triggered by external factors, e.g. life situations, people, environment.

Mental health is equally important as physical health. I dealt with depression years ago when nothing in my life was working out. I felt like I was worthless and a failure. I stayed in my room and isolated myself from everyone, and  was consumed by negative thoughts. It took me a while before I spoke to someone about how I felt. More recently, I have been dealing with anxiety and have experienced  panic attacks. I did not understand why this was happening to me and felt that something was wrong with me. One Sunday at church, my Pastor spoke about his experiences with anxiety and how he dealt with it. This made me realise that I wasn't  alone in what I was experiencing. I also remember some of the youtubers who I am subscribed to, open up about their mental health issues and how therapy had helped them.

I started to consider therapy, but I admit, I did have negative pre-conceived notions about therapy, hence  why I had put off going. It is when I got to a point where I was close to having a mental breakdown, that I sought assistance from a therapist. Therapy has helped me a lot to deal with my anxiety and to understand why I feel the way that I do. I've learned a lot from my therapy sessions, including thinking patterns and how to deal with certain emotions.  I have also learned more about myself that I wouldn't have known otherwise. I would recommend that everybody should try therapy, as we all go through difficulties in life. Just because you see a therapist it does not mean that you are "crazy" or that something is wrong with you. You don't need to be diagnosed with a mental health condition to see a therapist.

If you are going through difficulties with your mental health, remember that it is ok, you are human. This does not make you a weak person. You are not alone. Talk to someone about your struggles, there is help and support available. You can see a therapist through the NHS https://beta.nhs.uk/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/check . Make your mental health a priority and take care of it like you would do your physical body.