The toxic side of African parenting

I grew up in a west African household in the UK. I am glad I was as it taught me morals, values, the importance of working hard, to aim high, to respect my elders, discipline, the importance of family and community. These have greatly shaped the woman I have become .

As much as there are many great factors of growing up in such a household there is a toxic side which needs to be addressed, and I'm sure many people who grew up in African households would have most likely experienced these things

1. Comparison

One thing African parents will do, is always compare you with someone else. I am sure many of you may be familiar with the phrase "look at your age mate". African parents always remind us that there is someone they know who is in our age group, that is doing better than us. There is always that "golden child" that parents like to compare us to and ask us why we can't be more like them (in most cases the golden child is actually far from golden). This is very damaging because if you are constantly being compared to others you will feel like you are inadequate and not good enough. This can damage your self-esteem and you will not find worth and value in yourself.

2. Disrespectful elders

I believe that we should respect our elders, however some of these elders take advantage of this concept. Some elders are disrespectful because they know that we cannot answer back (because if we did we will automatically look like the bad person). Some like to give their unwarranted opinions about your life when it doesn't even concern them (they love staying in other people's business). They can say rude things to you and will not consider how their words can negatively impact you. Some elders will talk down to you and and will even treat you like you're their servant. Some would like you to worship the ground they walk on. They never believe that they can be wrong and will never take accountability for their behaviour. One thing I dislike is that they will not consider your opinions as valid because of your age.

This is a very toxic trait. Age doesn't mean you are wise, mature or that you can never be wrong. You can learn from people much younger than you. Young people's opinion are equally valid. There needs to be a serious mindset change with these "elders".

3. Discipline

One thing I dislike about African parenting, is when they automatically resort to hitting their children when they do something wrong as a form of discipline. They never sit down with the child and explain why their behaviour is wrong, so that the child can understand. I've heard some men  say that they were beaten so much as a child that they eventually became desensitised to it. There are some African children who literally have a deep hatred for their parents because of the way they were disciplined. There are people who grew up genuinely fearing their parents. Children should not have to be scared of their parents, yes they should respect them but they should also be comfortable being around them. I used to think that using, belts, wooden spoons, slippers/shoes or any implements to beat a child was normal. It was only when I got older I realised how detrimental and damaging it is. It is teaching children that violence is normal. I believe that some parents beat their children as a way of releasing their anger. I think that a lot of parents need to go to therapy to deal with their deep rooted issues. I am not against a little smack or other forms of discipline but abusing your child is wrong.

4. First born Daughters

I think first born daughters have it hard. We sometimes have to play the role of 2nd mothers and our upbringing tends to be harsher than that of our brothers. I had a harsher upbringing than my younger brother (we have a 3 year age gap). My mother was strict with me. I was expected to do more housework and domestic tasks growing up because of my gender whereas my brother didn't have do this. Even as teenagers my brother could be out late, and my mum wouldn't really say anything. If that was me she would be ringing off my phone asking me when I'm getting home. Even when it came to relationships in our latter teen years my mum did not like me having boyfriend, however if my brother brought a girl home it wasn't an issue.

The expectations of me were much higher and if I didn't meet them I was chastised. My brother had so much freedom to do what he pretty much what he wanted, but I could never even dream of this.

I've spoken to many females who have gone through the same thing, their mothers spoiling their brothers and allowing them to get away with anything but be super strict with their daughters. This is completely unfair and does have a negative impact on daughters. This is also the reason why you get boys who grow up to become entitled men as their mothers did everything for them, so when they get older they expect their partners to continue where their mother left off. Mother's need to stop babying their sons and stop being strict with their daughters. They need to keep the same energy with both genders.

5. Unrealistic expectations

I was taught the importance of education growing up. My dad always used to go on about how he walked 7 miles to school everyday and was always 1st in his class. This is something almost every African parent says (a lot of them must be lying because not everyone could have been first in their class). When I did my GCSE's I mainly got A*-B grades. I was ecstatic about my results and I showed my mother, she said I did well but then went on to say "only if your B grades were A grades" my happiness immediately left my body. I worked so hard and still I wasn't good enough. I remember in university studying law, and my uncle saying to me "it would have been better if you studied medicine instead" (meanwhile his son who was my age was out there committing crimes). It is only when I went to therapy I realised how these toxic experiences affected me. My therapist told me that I seek validation from others and I don't think I'm good enough despite all of my amazing achievements. I've heard similar stories from other people where family members do not support their dreams and ambitions. Other times when it comes to receiving test results and they get for example 8/10,  their parents are angry about why they didn't get the other 2 marks.

This is extremely toxic! African parents need to stop expecting perfection from their children, it is not realistic. Not everybody can be an A* or first class student. Some people are academic, others are practical. We all have our own unique gifts and abilities which should be nurtured. Not everybody is destined to be a Doctor, lawyer and accountant or have a masters and PhD. Don't get me wrong, education is very important but it is not the be all and end all. I have met uneducated people who managed to become wealthy. There are many highly educated Africans, but a lot of this does not even translate into wealth.

Overall I do think things are changing especially with the newer generation of African parents, so some toxic traits are decreasing. Just because some things are "tradition" or "culture" it doesn't mean we have to continue the cycle. If it is not beneficial we should let it go and take on new habits that will help us. I am no way an expert in parenting but I do believe we need to use discernment when raising children.

Kevin Samuels: The Good and the Bad

Mr Kevin Samuels! If you have not heard of him you must be living under a rock. I first heard of him last year after a video clip went viral where he told a woman that "she was average at best". My first impression of him was that he is extremely rude. Months later, I saw that he had a youtube channel and I decided to watch a few of his videos. His main audience tends to be African-Americans, though people worldwide and of different races do watch him too. I am going to discuss what I like and dislike about his videos.

A lot of women (predominantly black American) that call into his show say that they want a high value man (HVM). My understanding of  this is a man that is very wealthy. One thing Kevin always does is ask women what they're height, weight and dress size is. I noticed that many of these women that call in to the show tend to be overweight (e.g. a woman who is about 5'5 weighing 200lbs+). He gets onto them about this and stresses the importance of losing weight and becoming fit if they want to attract a HVM and I completely agree with him on this. He says HVM want fit, fine and feminine women. Let's be honest, men are visual creatures. I have never seen a very wealthy man with a fat/obese wife or girlfriend, they always go for slimmer women. According to the US department of health , 4 out of 5 African American women are overweight or obese. This is a health epidemic. Black people in both USA and UK  are more likely to be overweight/obese and are more likely to develop high blood pressure, heart disease and Type 2 diabetes than any other race. These are all illnesses developed due to lifestyle and diet. Some people are too lazy to take care of their health and want to blame other factors. People need to learn to take responsibility for their own bodies and make better decisions in regards to their health. That's why I support Kevin Samuels pushing health and fitness (especially because I'm into fitness myself) .

Another thing Kevin Samuels talks about is the importance of marriage, especially when having children, which I also agree with. If you look at wealthy communities the foundation of it is a strong family unit. Wealthy men get married because they know the importance of creating legacy and generational wealth. I remember having a discussion with an Asian work colleague. He said that strong family units are fundamental in his community, and that is how they pass on wealth. He said he notices that in the black community there are people who have many children with different people and he doesn't understand it because you cannot create generational wealth that way. I told him I completely agree. A few years ago Obama said that over 70% of African Americans are born outside of wedlock and he called out the black community on this, some of them got mad at him. The whole "baby mother/father" culture has become too normalised. Broken families lead to higher rates of poverty, crime, lower educational attainment plus much more. Many studies have been done on this. Kevin always asks mothers that call into the show whether they married the father of their child/ren, which most of them reply "no". He always asks them why they had a child with a man who did not marry them. He also holds men accountable for not being able to discipline themselves sexually and not being able to provide. He really pushes the traditional nuclear family which I agree with.

I do like that Kevin Samuels holds people accountable for their decisions and actions (he does this to both men and women).  I find that many grown adults make bad choices that lead to negative consequences but they will blame everyone else but themselves. They struggle with taking accountability for their own actions. I noticed that when Kevin questions people about their choices they come up with excuses. He also talks about having realistic expectations when looking for a partner. People  call in and say that they want a high standard man/woman meanwhile they themselves aren't of a high standard or don't bring anything to the table. However these high standard men/women they want would also have their own requirements of what they want in a partner. The question is would they meet those requirements?

There are views that Kevin Samuels has that I do find problematic. I do not like the rating system he uses. He asks women  “what would you rate yourself (facially) out of 10 but you can’t use 7”. Who is he to decide how attractive a woman is to others? Beauty is subjective and is influenced by media and culture, there is no universal beauty standard. There is so much pressure placed on woman to look a certain way, that’s why the majority of woman have insecurities.

Another view of his I disagree with is that he says women need to be married by their early to mid 20's and he speaks negatively about women who choose a career and/or are single over the age of 25 .  Women that are in their late twenties onwards are classed as being in the "Danger Zone".  I believe that a woman's worth and value should not be based on her relationship status, further our existence should not revolve around men (this should be a choice). Women should have autonomy to make their own decisions about their life and do what's best for them. He criticizes women that have professional careers, their own businesses or a masters/PHD. He says women can't have it all (career and family) but there are plenty of women that do. You can still be a feminine women with a career. As a career woman myself, when I do marry and have children, I am willing to take  a step back in my career to raise my children while they are young and do most of the domestic work while my husband provides financially. I can always go back to my career after, many women do this. Also I think Kevin's delivery can be too harsh at times, but I understand this is what gets him views. Though I do not agree with Kevin on everything he says, he does speak the truth at times and I do learn key points, plus his videos are very entertaining!

Has Christianity brainwashed black people?

I was born into a Christian family and spent my whole life in the Church. I was taught that the Bible was the Word of God and if I disobeyed it I would go to hell and if I followed it I will go to heaven. To be honest I initially didn't question it. However as I did get older,  I started to think critically and researched a lot more.

The images of Jesus I saw growing up was a white man that looked like the above. I had believed as a child that Jesus was white. My mum has a similar image in her bedroom. The Jesus image that we see is based on Cesare Borgia , a 15th century Italian politician and cardinal. This image is very damaging to the psyche of Black people as it makes you believe that a white man is your God and saviour. This has brainwashed many African/black people globally. Unfortunately, all over Africa you will see this image of white Jesus, and there are many black people who see white people as superior to them. Some Africans believe that white people will save them from poverty, this is very ironic since it was the Europeans that caused Africa to be underdeveloped in the first place. My mum told me of a saying in Ghana that says "if you see a white man, you have seen God". This is really sad and is a narrative that needs to change.

The oldest form of Christianity is found in Egypt and Ethiopia. The Ethiopian Coptic church has existed since the 4th Century and Ethiopia was one of the first Christian nations in the world. The image on the right shows Jesus, Mary and others as black. In the majority of cultures across the world people worship God's that look like them. I think it is important to see yourself in the God you worship. The Ethiopian bible contains 80+ books whilst the modern bible that we have only contains 66 Books. The question is why does the modern bible have less books? what happened to the other books? why were there taken out? what was their agenda behind this? 

The "missing" books of the bible are called the Apocrypha. You are able to find some of these books online, these include, the Book of Judas, The book of Enoch, the Maccabees, The Gospel of Thomas etc. Further to the research I had done, I found that the missing books cover the missing parts of the bible. For example what happened to Jesus during the ages of 12-30? what happened to Adam and Even when their were exiled? these are covered in these texts. 

When Europeans brought Christianity to other parts of Africa they had used it as a tool to control Africans. The Europeans wanted others to follow their way of life, and wanted to "civilise" Africans by forcing their lifestyle and religion on them. They convinced Africans that their own spiritual belief systems were evil and demonic (which unfortunately many Africans still believe till this day).  They gave many Africans "Christian names" to basically replace their native names.

Christianity was used to justify slavery against Africans during the trans-atlantic slave trade. In the bible (Genesis 9:20-27) there is a story of Noah, where he drank wine, became drunk and was naked. His son Ham (the father of Canaan) saw him naked and told his two brothers Shem and Japeth. They then covered their dad but kept their faces turned away so they didn't see him naked. When Noah woke up he cursed Ham and his son "“Cursed be Canaan!, The lowest of slaves, will he be to his brothers.”. There was this belief that as a result of the curse Ham's skin became black, and that all black people descended from Canaan and therefore were destined to be slaves.

Also during slavery, there were Africans who committed suicide as a form of resistance. To combat this slave masters used to tell enslaved Africans that committing suicide was a sin and they would go to hell for that. They also used the following bible verse to control Africans -Ephesians 6:5-8:

5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. 6 Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. 7 Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, 8 because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.

However slave masters will purposely leave out the next verse "9 And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.

That is a reason why enslaved Africans were not allowed to read. While I was in Ghana last December I visited cape coast castle which was a slave castle. The tour guide informed us that the very first church in Ghana was built on a slave dungeon.

Christianity was used to make Africans docile. Historically, Africans have always been warriors and fighters, such as the Zulu's, the Dahomey, the Massai etc. They fought their enemies. Europeans knew they couldn't physically control Africans as they would always fight back, so they controlled them mentally and used Christianity to do this. They convinced Africans that they should be forgiving and always "turn the other cheek" so  that they don't attack their white oppressors. They also brainwashed Africans to accept  and endure suffering on earth so that they will be rewarded in heaven. We only get one life, so why should some people suffer while those preaching this message are being rewarded on earth? The remnants of this brainwashing still exists today and keeps many black people in the position they are in today.

There are some black people who believe that if all they do is fast, pray and give offering, all of their problems would be solved instead of taking action to fix their problems. The bible clearly states that "Faith without WORKS is dead"  (James 2:26). Being a Christian doesn't mean you shouldn't use logic, common sense and critical thinking. God gave all of us a brain for a reason. I'm sure many of you would have come across the over religious Christian who you try to explain a practical concept to but they just end up unnecessarily over spiritualising it, instead of using simple logic.

I do not believe Christianity itself is bad, I believe the way it has been used by some has been very detrimental to many Africans and their descendants. On the flip side Christianity has also helped people overcome difficult situations and create positive outcomes in their life. I think it is important that Christians read and study the bible for themselves, not just believe something because someone told them about it. Always do your own research. Christianity should be used in the right way to make your situation better and not worse.

Do we have a negative black culture?

A few months ago I was in a clubhouse room which had the above title and a lot of interesting points were made. I also watched the above YouTube video by SaRa Garvey which also talks about the same topic. First off, I will need to clarify that black people are not monolithic and we have various different cultures across the globe. The culture of the Maasai people of Kenya will be different from a black Brazilian, which is also different from a black American. In this post I will be specifically talking about mainstream black culture in the Western world, so when I reference "black culture" this is what I mean.

A lot of negative behaviour is pushed to the forefront when it comes to black culture. These negative degenerate behaviours have become normalised. One example is music. We have rap/drill songs where black men promote criminal behaviour such as the murder of other black men,  drug dealing and gang life. The use of derogatory terms such as n**** is normalised. These are glamourised and can have a negative influence on younger impressionable children. Unfortunately, there have been young black men who have been murdered over drill/rap songs. When there are black musicians that make positive, or conscious content their music does not get pushed to the forefront by the Record labels. These labels are quick to put money into negative "black" music and make these mainstream instead. However, if a rapper were to use derogatory terms against people of other races, or other communities, the record labels will quickly shut it down. The question is why is it acceptable to make negative music in relation to black people but not other communities?. I believe there is an agenda, but it is sad that there are black rappers who willingly partake in the destruction of their own communities. There needs to be a change.

There is also the hyper-sexualisation of black female bodies. We are so used to seeing black women with large butts shaking their ass/twerking  in music videos while being practically naked. Music with overly sexual lyrics has also become normalised. In order for female artists to become a huge success it seems that they have to be hypersexualised, whereas women that aren't like this find it very difficult to make it far in the music industry. Most mainstream female rappers are oversexualised. One of the most successful rap songs last year was W.A.P. (Wet ass pussy) by Cardi B and Megan thee Stallion. Unfortunately we live in a society where sex sells. It would even make sense if there was a balance with positive music but there isn't. There is also the promotion of the BBL body type where women with exaggerated assets are promoted in the media. Black women are more than their bodies and this image should not be used to represent us to the world,  it is disrespectful and reduces our value to just our physical bodies.

Hyper-consumerism and materialism is a big issue. I am not against black people buying luxury brands. What I do not like is how much black people in the media constantly promote these brands (usually for free) to show off how rich they are. Look at the "Versace" song by Migos, promoting the brand, while Versace never paid them a penny for doing so. Any increase in sales Versace received, Versace benefitted from. Many rappers reference European brands in their songs but I rarely see them promote black owned brands. The majority of the money in the black community goes straight into other communities. I personally feel there is an unhealthy obsession with European designer brands, the Rolex's, the Bentley's, the LVs', the Birkins by Hermes, meanwhile black people are economically at the bottom across the board (globally).  It is as if some black people attach themselves to European symbols of wealth in order to feel validated and important. There needs to be a shift in how we view wealth. Generational wealth should be the goal, not making Bernard Arnault (the owner of LVMH) and his descendants richer, they own numerous designer brands such as Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Dior, Fendi, Moet, Hennessy plus many more. If you look at their executive committee there is not a single black person in sight. In order for the black race to progress we need economic advancement and this happens by practicing group economics just like other communities do.

Another area I will address is the promotion of broken families, namely the"baby mama and baby daddy" culture which is becoming more and more normalised and is more common in black communities than other communities. When you have unprotected sex with someone, you are choosing who the potential mother/father of your child is so you need to choose wisely. I understand there are times when the relationship doesn't work out, it happens. But I am referring to  the many instances when GROWN adults choose to have unprotected sex with someone they know would not be a good mother/father, someone they can't see themselves having  a future with or someone they don't know properly. The sad thing is that the child will be the one to suffer from the poor decisions their parents made.  What I dislike are those that have numerous children by numerous people (i.e. Nick Cannon, Future etc) creating more broken families. This behaviour is very detrimental. Children need both their mothers AND fathers. Mother's should not be raising children on their own and playing the role of both parents, it is not their job. I am a big advocate for strong black nuclear families. Cultures where nuclear families are normalised are more successful such as the Jewish and Indian communities. The family structure is the foundation of any community,  if you want to destroy a community you destroy the family structure (and you can see the consequences of this in certain black communities). Many wealthy people are married and have children because they know the importance of legacy and passing down wealth to their children. Creating broken families does not create wealth, it's more likely to promote generational poverty.

We need to stop justifying and promoting degenerate behaviour as it is not conducive to the advancement of the black community. We need to hold those that do this accountable for their actions. There are many black people who have strong family units, who have professional careers such as lawyers, doctors, engineers, investment bankers etc, those who own businesses, those who own multiple properties, those who help their community and those who practice group economics. Representation is extremely important and these are the type of black people we need to see pushed to the forefront, this is the kind of black representation we  need. I am sick of seeing the worst in black culture representing us. This narrative needs to change, the young generation of black people need to see positive black role models they can aspire to, we need to create generational excellence, not generational degeneracy. 

Do black people have a victim mentality?

When I was young, my mother told me that I needed to work twice as hard because I'm black. This is a sentiment which most black people have heard growing up, particularly black people growing up in predominantly white countries. I didn't understand it fully at the time as I was very young. Regardless, I worked hard in school and was academically on top.

I didn't feel like I was held back by my race, as I was outperforming most of my white peers in school and my teachers (who were mostly white) were positive towards me. They always reminded me that I could be anything I wanted to be. I didn't really understand racism or that I could be held back by the colour of my skin. I do understand that my experience at school is not indicative of that of other black people. I've heard stories from black people who experienced racism from their teachers, who had told them that they wouldn't amount to anything in life. Further, some who had high ambitions were told by their teachers that they should aim low.  Statistics also show that black students are excluded from schools at a higher rates (in the UK). 

Lately I have been listening to right wing/conservative black people (I'm more left wing myself) to hear their commentary on racism and issues within the black community. I noticed that many of them deny that white supremacy/institutional racism is an issue and they also say that black people have a "victim mentality" which keeps them at the position that they are in. 

I do not agree with them that racism is not an issue, we can not deny that there are ethnic disparities such as the black maternity death rate, stop and search figures and ethnicity pay gaps. There are policies and institutions in place which have disadvantaged black people globally. We should be able to acknowledge these facts and  realities. However, I do not think that we should base our whole identity on this. Having a victim mentality and defeatist attitude can be damaging to your psyche.

Do I believe that black people have a victim mentality? My answer is that some do and some don't. Black people of today do not have it as hard as their ancestors did. Our ancestors went through chattel slavery, colonisation, genocide and  wars etc. They fought their oppressors so that we can have the freedoms and privileges that they didn't have. I have come across some black people who have the "victim mentality" that believe every single bad thing in their life is because of "the system/the white man". What I've noticed about some of these types of people is that they continue making poor life choices  which makes their situation worse, and they seem to lack accountability for their own actions. You get some left wing people that highlight inequality in society which I agree that they should. However, some  can be extreme and act like black people are so oppressed that they have no chance to make it in life. One thing I do respect about black conservatives is that they do not allow their blackness to stop them from achieving in life. 

I think that mindset is a big factor. I am a black female, therefore I am considered "doubly oppressed" and at the bottom of society's hierarchy. Do I view myself in this way? No I don't. There were many black women in history who went through horrific circumstances and overcame them. They are victors and they paved the way for people like me. It would be a disservice if I do not utilise the opportunities that I have because of them.  I remember reading articles last year about black women in America being the most educated group and the fastest growing entrepreneurs. These women see themselves as victors not victims. 

We have to recognise that there are inequalities in society and that racism will always exist. Whilst living in these societies we need to learn to circumnavigate "the system" and focus more on advancing ourselves and making decisions that will improve our lives. I feel that black communities need to have high racial esteem, we need to believe that we are good enough, that we are NOT inferior and that we are capable of doing what we put our minds too. We should not view ourselves from the eyes of racist people. Yes there are black victims but we shouldn't base our whole identity in victimhood.

Erasing blackness

About a month ago I saw a post about Rochelle Humes, who is a mixed race British singer, talk about presenting a documentary which explores why black women are 4x more likely to die from childbirth than white women in the UK. I was happy to see that a documentary was being made about this subject, so it can bring this issue to light. The next day it came out that Candice Brathwaite, a dark skin black British woman was suppose to host a documentary about the same topic, however this was no longer going ahead. Unfortunately, this concept is not new. Mixed race women are usually used as the face of Black women.

Mixed race women are seen as more palatable to the wider white audience due to their proximity to whiteness. I remember being young and watching black sitcoms. I noticed that when there was a black family, the daughter was usually mixed race, however the sons were always unambiguously black. I did find it strange and wondered why they didn't use a black female actor.

The identity of mixed race people varies between cultures. In the UK people who are biracial are called mixed race. In my country of origin, Ghana, most Ghanaians refer to them as Obroni (white person), in South Africa they are referred to as 'colored' and in the USA, due to the racist one drop rule they are classed as black. As someone who was raised in the UK I see them as mixed race, they are both black and white, not just black. I think it's disingenuous to expect mixed race people to ignore half of their DNA and  only claim their black side. I think this is dangerous as it erases monoracial black women. Further, this causes spaces which should be given to black women more likely to be given to those who are of mixed race. An example of this is when Zoe Saldana who is a mixed Latina actress portrayed Nina Simone, a monoracial black singer. They had to darken Zoe's skin, and make her wear prosthetics to give her fuller black features. There was of course a lot of backlash regarding this. There are plenty of black actresses that they could have easily been cast to play Nina Simone.

The average black woman does not look mixed race (though there may be a few that do). When it comes to representation, it is important for black women to see people that look like them that they can identify with. A lot of high achievers that we see that are the "first black X" are usually mixed people. Look at Barack Obama, the first "black" president in the USA, born to a white mother and Kenyan father and was  raised by his white grandparents. If both of his parents were black I doubt he would have have been able to become president. Halle Berry another mixed person, was the first black woman to win an Oscar for best actress. Even looking at Meghan Markle, despite the racism she is going through, if she was a monoracial black woman she would not have been allowed to even marry Prince Harry. It is easier for mixed race people to enter certain spaces than it is for monoracial black people.

Though the experience of mixed race people and black people do overlap a lot , they will never be the same. I do not doubt that a lot of mixed race people have experienced racism like many black people, but they do benefit from colorism unlike darker skinned black people. I cannot tell a mixed person how they should identify because I myself aren't mixed, and I haven't gone through their experiences. They should be able to have their own spaces and black people should also be able to have theirs. We should be able to recognise that we do have our differences but yet  support each other. There are many mixed race people who have made contributions in speaking out against injustice against black people, look at Bob Marley, even in modern times Colin Kapernick has done a lot for the black community and one of my faves is Akala. This post is not about causing division. We live in a patriarchal world which benefits men, do I hate men? No . We can recognise that someone who is different from you has more privilege, it doesn't mean that you hate them or segregate from them. I believe  that those that have certain privileges over others should use their position to help those who have less privilege than them. For example if there is a role for a black person and you are mixed and have been given that role you should speak out and demand that it is given to black person. We still do have a long way to go when it comes to black representation, especially of black women but I do believe we  can make change.

The Strong Black woman

"I'm a strong black woman!" a common phrase that we hear, I've been guilty of saying this phrase. I remember saying this to a guy one time who immediately checked me. He asked me why I wanted to be a "strong black woman" instead of just being a black woman. He was right. A lot of black women in society say this phrase thinking it is a compliment, because being strong is a good thing right? However it can be damaging, as it takes away our vulnerability and implies that we can constantly carry heavy loads.  

Society expects black women to be strong all the time and take whatever life throws at them. We are constantly disrespected and are expected to just accept it, once we speak out against it then we are "angry". We are expected to be "ride or die" in relationships, and endure "struggle love", for example if a man is a serial cheater or is doing nonsense, we are expected to still be there for him and accept his behaviour. If a black woman wants a man that is faithful, financially stable and will treat her like a queen, then some people will complain that her standards are too high, but yet it is fine for non-black women to have these standards.

It reminds me of the viral video of the black woman who earns a six figure income, who wanted  a man who also earns six figures, which I think is fair because she is asking for something that she also brings to the table.  However,  she is told  by a black man that she can't get a six figure man mainly because of her appearance. I thought this was extremely disrespectful because if she wasn't a dark skin black woman and she looked racially ambiguous, had light skin and light eyes he would not have said that.

I was recently in a conversation on Club House with multiple black women who were expressing their experiences and past traumas. There were many women who stated how they do not feel protected by black men, if anything most of their traumas and anxiety had been caused by black men. It reminds me of Malcolm X's speech where he said the most unprotected woman is the black woman. I agree with this statement. Other groups of men protect their women. Due to feeling unprotected black women feel they have to protect themselves. 

There are many black women who take on traditionally masculine roles. I personally believe that men should be the leaders, protectors and providers of their homes/families. I have seen men from different cultures do this. However a lot of black women have taken on these roles. There are black single parent families which are led by the woman, there are also some black two parent black families where the woman is leading the household while the father is more passive. In a lot of these households the woman is also the main breadwinner. Matriarchal families are quite common in black communities. This leads to the notion of black women being "superwoman" and doing everything. For example a black woman can be a single mother, have a high position at  a top company, have a masters degree and do everything independently. 

However this takes away from our femininity, we are not suppose to be superwoman and be responsible for doing everything. Black women should be allowed to be taken care of, vulnerable  and weak.  We should not be applauded for how much pain, trauma and stress we can endure because it assumes that we can handle anything that life throws at us, when this is far from the truth. I used to believe I had to endure stress. I once worked in a toxic environment which caused me chronic anxiety, despite this I was still going into work everyday working very hard, though mentally I was declining. This eventually affected my performance at work and my boss (who also happened to be a black woman) called me in. I expressed some of my feelings and she told me that I'm too sensitive, and I can't be a lawyer if I'm sensitive. She told me I have to be strong and to stop feeling sorry for myself. She continued to gaslight me which impacted how I viewed myself.

The idea of black women being strong also affects us in the medical field. There is this notion that black women have a high pain tolerance and don't feel physical pain as much as white women. This stems from the father of gynaecology J Marion Simm, a doctor who used to do experiments on enslaved black women without anaesthesia and said that black people do not feel pain. There are many medical professionals who still believe this notion.  That is why many medical professionals ignore black women when they complain of being pain and this has led to the statistic of black women in the UK being 5 times more likely to die from childbirth. I have heard from black mother's the negative experiences they had when giving birth to their child.

It is sad that we are not afforded the right to just be human, we feel pain, we hurt, we are emotional and we have every right to feel this way just as white women are allowed to. Our emotions are valid. It annoys me that we are expected to endure everything, this is extremely detrimental to our mental health. We shouldn't have to  carry extra burdens because we are black women. Further, the responsibility should not lie with us to continuously educate other groups about racism and sexism. If you are a black woman, do not take on extra unnecessary responsibilities, don't feel that you have to be a  particular way. Be yourself and bask in your femininity.

My reading list

I've always loved reading books from a very young age and have always been a nerd. If you were to ever enter my bedroom, you'll notice the numerous books I have ranging from fiction to non fiction, self-development, finance, law, spirituality, autobiographies and history. However, over the last couple of years I've been making an effort to buy and read more books by black authors. The list below is a list of my collection of books by black authors which I would recommend you read if this is something you are interested in.

A great place to get some of these books are indigibookz.com which is a black owned online bookstore, you can also get some of these titles from Amazon.

Black History 

• Before the Slave Trade - Robin Walker
• When we ruled - Robin Walker
• When the World was black
• Stolen Legacy - George M James
• Christopher Columbus and the Afrikan Holocaust - John Henrik Clarke
• Black and British: A Forgotten History - David Olusoga
• They came before Columbus - Ivan Van Setima 
• The Destruction of black civilisation - Chancellor Williams 
• The African origin of civilisation - Cheikh Anta diop 
• How Europe underdeveloped Africa - Walter Rodney 

Black Thought

• The Isis Papers: The Keys to the Colors - Dr Frances Cress Welsing 
• The Miseducation of the negro - Carter G Woodson 
• Black skins, White Masks - Frantz Fanon
• The New Jim Crow: mass incarceration in the age of colorblindness  - Michelle Alexander 
• The Souls of Black Folks - WEB Du Bois
• Philosophy and Opinions of Marcus Garvey 
• Message To The Millineals - Rizza Islam
• Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome -  Joy Degruy

Black Economics

• Powernomics - Dr Claud Anderson
• Blueprint for Black Power - Amos N Wilson
• Black Labour, white wealth - Dr Claud Anderson
• Black Girl Finance - Selina Flavius

 
Black Physical/Spiritual Health

• The Sacred woman - Queen Afua 
• African holistic health - Dr Llaila o Afrika 
• Medical Apartheid - Harriet A Washington

Auto/biographies

• The Autobiography of Malcolm X - narrated to Alex Haley 
• Long Walk to Freedom - Nelson Mandela
• Becoming - Michelle Obama
• Assata an Autobiography - Assata Shakur
• The interesting Narrative - Olaudah Equiano
• Of Water and Spirit - Malidoma Patrice Some
• Shook One - Charlemagne the God
• Natives -  Akala 
• Rise up - Stormzy
• Self Belief: the vision - Jamal Edwards