Valentines day & Love

A holiday which occurs annually on 14^th February. When people hear the word valentine’s they instantly think romance, roses, love, passion etc. I could write about the origins of Valentines Day, I could also talk about relationships, and I can talk about how valentine’s day is a highly commercialized holiday for people to make money but I am sure you all know that already.  I want to be different and talk about love and no not about love in a relationship but loving one of the most important people in your life. You.

Self love should not be confused with narcissm. What do I mean by loving yourself? Well love is not an easy concept to define, there are a large number of variations when it comes to defining the term. It is a subjective concept depending on your cultural mentality. The whole ‘romantic’ nature of love is a western ideology (e.g buying chocolate and flowers, living happily ever after). Everyone has their own opinions as to what they believe love is. The best book I have read about love was by TD Jakes – The lady her lover and her Lord. As it is a Christian book it talks about love from a Christian perspective.

The first part of the book talks about falling in love with yourself, I know that sounds quite weird but let me explain further. I believe that loving yourself includes many different factors, I think appreciating yourself is one of the most important things, you have to embrace who you are as a person. Let go of every past mistake you have made, stop hating yourself for it. I believe that mistakes happen to teach you a lesson so that it can make you a better person. Yes there are many things I have regretted doing like most people but the past should be left in the past, do not let it dictate or hinder your future. You have the capacity to change and prepare for the person you want to become.

You should make yourself a priority in your life, sometimes we spend so much time worrying about others and then end up neglecting ourselves. You should spend time with yourself, I know this can be difficult with those of you with busy schedules but it is important to take time out to relax. When you love someone you would like to spend time with them right? So why not spend time with yourself? Learn to be comfortable with being alone, some people are scared of spending time alone with themselves, how can you expect anyone else to want to spend time with you if you can’t even do it yourself? Having ‘alone time’ can really help you to discover who you really are as a person and to better understand yourself.

Develop yourself in all areas of your life, spiritually, physically, mentally,
and emotionally.  Add value to yourself by investing in your mind, educating yourself and developing habits that will be beneficial to your life. You could do this by praying, meditating, exercising, reading, studying, etc. If you are not up the standard you want to be at for the different areas of your life then take action and do something about it. When you are content and confident with who you are as a person and you fully understand yourself then you become a whole person within yourself.  When two whole people enter a relationship they can compliment and develop each other. This way you will not need to depend on your partner to fill certain voids which you need to fill yourself. For example if you have too many emotional problems and you think that having a partner can ‘cure’ that, then you’re wasting your time, no one wants to be with someone who sucks out their positive energy and becomes a burden onto them.

If you are single use this time to develop yourself and be the best you you can be so that when you do have a partner you will be prepared for them. Please do not be with someone for the sake of. It is a waste of time and energy, embrace your singleness, so what if all your friends have a partner? it doesn’t matter. Think about YOUR happiness many of these so called relationships won’t last so don’t feel sad because you are single. If you are in a relationship never stop developing yourself as a person. 

Anyways happy Valetines day! if you have a partner appreciate them if you are single appreciate yourself :)

Written by Dinah

Body Image and The Black Woman

Hi reader’s I have been M.I.A for a while but I’m back now.

Today I saw a newspaper article about a 20 year old woman from London who died from buttock injections she received in the USA (full story here). At first the questions raised from this story is why someone would risk their life just to have a large butt? What was she thinking doing such a dangerous procedure? I was thinking to myself that there is more to it than having  a larger butt
 for aesthetic purposes. There is a much deeper psychological explanation behind it.

As a 21 year old black female, growing up I was a very skinny girl, my size did not bother me until my teenage years. I’ve had comments made to me such as “omg you are so skinny”, “Do you even eat?” and numerously I’ve been called “anorexic”. These words used to hurt me and as a result I had very low self-esteem.  Many of my friends were bigger than me and in the black community being thick is seen as a favorable size for a black female to be and I did not 'fit' that. Even once I had an Asian friend say to me “you are skinny for a black girl”.  I felt that I needed to conform to the image of what a black girl’s body should look like so ate large amounts of junk food to gain weight but that did not work. As a result my lifestyle was becoming more unhealthy.

The media constantly talks about pressures on white women to be skinny but you never hear of the pressure on black girls to be thick. In recent years there has been the whole “Video Vixen” phenomenon in hip hop video’s and in song lyrics (i.e  Sir Mixalot – Baby got back). This body type consists of large breasts, small waist, large butt/hips and thick thighs. The media embraces this hourglass body type (i.e Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian) and it appears that many black males prefer females that look this way. Many women of African descent are known for having large buttocks therefore it is expected of every black female to automatically have that asset but people fail to realize that this is not true. Society have unrealistic expectations of how a women’s body should look like but the majority of women do not look like these models and as a result are left with low self confidence and self esteem.

Buffy The Body famous for her Assets

 I’m going to be honest ,there was a time I used to aspire to have the ‘video vixen body’ and there are many black females that still do. Many feel succumbed to the pressures to conform to this image. However, many of these vixens we see on T.V and in Magazines have had surgical procedures such as breast implants, liposuction, butt implants etc in order to obtain the so called “perfect body” that we see.  Many women who cannot afford the surgery will undergo cheaper, dangerous and potentially fatal procedures.  For example there are some women who are consuming pills which are used to fatten chickens in order to gain weight. The pressures stem from the media, men, our communities and society that is why a high number of black women risk their lives to achieve these desired looks.


There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a better looking body whether your overweight and need to lose weight, or under weight and need to gain, or tone up certain areas, yes exercise is important and also having a healthy body. Women come in all shapes and sizes tall, short, fat, skinny and we should embrace our bodies, this took me a long time to do. We shouldn’t allow external factors to stop us from loving our bodies. The images we see in the media are fake and are highly photoshopped. We should stop aspiring to have unrealistic bodies but instead aspire to have healthy bodies. Real women have imperfections such as stretch marks, cellulite, area’s of fat etc it is NORMAL and no one is perfect. Real women aren't perfect and perfect women aren't real.

Ki Toy Johnson

Written by Dinah